Learn how to overcome feelings of guilt when making the very difficult decision to move away from family. 

Moving away from family is an emotionally challenging experience. It’s common to feel a sense of guilt when making the decision to move away from the place and the people you’ve always known. However, it’s important to remember that the decision to move away from family is often necessary for personal growth.

I’ve spent my entire life ridding myself of guilt, especially the guilt that is often associated with moving away from family.  

That’s the thing about guilt, like misery, it loves company and will be a close confidant for as long as you let it… 

If you’ve been around Choose Where to Live Ⓡ long enough then you know that I come from humble beginnings. My family didn’t have very much growing up, and I wanted nothing more than to get away from them as quickly as possible.  But that became more and more difficult as I actually started considering what moving away from family truly meant for me. 

Would my mom be able to afford to raise my little brother on her own?

Would they all think I’m better than them for pursuing the life that I wanted?

Would I lose touch and not be able to relate when I came back home?

I know these feelings can seem extreme and trust me when you are experiencing them that is exactly how they feel. They are very real and very intense. But for some reason, I trust that these feelings are not unique to me.

There are a number of reasons why we might feel guilty about moving away from family.

Sense of Obligation to your Family 

There is this constant battle between living the life I want and understanding what my responsibility is to my family.  Family members often rely on each other for support and comfort, and moving away can feel like abandoning those who depend on you.  

The thing is that most of us would do ANYTHING for our families. They are our blood after all and we care about them deeply. They are a huge part of making us the awesome people we are today. So what is our obligation to them?

If you grew up with a mom like Mama T (that’s what most people call the woman who birthed me), it would be impossible to repay her for the care debt that she is currently in. There is no way I could give back to her what she gave to me. I mean she worked three jobs just so I could run track and have a pretty prom dress. 

And she would NEVER ask me to.  

The only thing that she has ever expected from me is to be a good human who contributes to society. Once I learned that the only person who was putting all of these expectations on me was myself I was more free to make decisions that were best for me. 

Now that all sounds good and nice if your family really does love and want the best for you but the harsh reality is that not everyone has a spectacular mother who only wants the best for them. 

Moving away from family can bring a Sense of Disloyalty

Many people feel a strong connection to the place where they grew up and leaving can feel like a betrayal of your roots. 

Some of my extended family members lost terrible battles to addictions, and I sometimes wonder if my presence would have made a difference in their lives. The first time I came home with a brand new car, my Paw Paw assumed there was no way I got it on my own. It was unfathomable to him that someone in our family could do such a thing.

 Talk about feeling unrelatable... 

I wondered if I would have stayed and got a job in our hometown would I have been able to prove to them that they could do the same.

Which leads me to my next point.

The guilt of moving away from family who are struggling or facing difficult circumstances

The thought of leaving loved ones to deal with financial, emotional, or health issues can be overwhelming. 

When I would visit my grandparents and they would ask me to pay for white bread and bologna because they were hungry and had no money, I wondered if I had stayed could I have instilled a better sense of money management in their lives?

I seriously contemplated moving back home a couple of years after I landed my first job because my last name is pretty unique and let’s just say it has been tarnished in my hometown. Any interaction with law enforcement, good or bad with my surname always leads to suspicion.  I have a wild story about how my little brother was framed for murder once because of it. Stick around and we’ll get to that at some point… 

He’s my favorite person in the whole world, and I would do anything for him. He’s also the most kind and caring person there is and the fact that something like this could happen to someone like him made me wonder if I would have been there would things have been different. 

Fear of Missing out by moving away from Family

There may be a fear of missing out on important milestones or events that take place after you leave. The thought of not being present for birthdays, holidays, or other significant moments can be difficult to bear.

I remember when I moved about 3000 miles away from family, my little brother was getting engaged and it killed me to not be there for all of the planning. Engagement meant marriage which usually means kids. (What? I’m from the south. We love our tradition.) I couldn’t bear the thought of not being around for his first child. So many amazing milestones were taking place while I was on the other side of the country. 

I was starting to think that moving away from family was a very dumb decision. Did I mention I really really love my little bro?

You’re probably wondering what to do about all of this at this point. 

I’ve spent a lot of time telling you why you feel the way you do  which to be fair you probably already knew. So now, I want to tell you what to do about it. 

Although moving away from family and the guilt that comes with it can be overwhelming, it’s important to remember that the decision to move should be based on what is best for you. I know it sounds counterintuitive but the best decision for you is ultimately the best decision for your family.

For those who are contemplating moving away from family

• Understand your Motivations: Please don’t get mad at me for this one but you need to get very honest with yourself here. Does your fear of moving away from family stem from a place of control? Would things really be different if you were there?  Could they really not survive without you? 

The sad reality that I had to face was that some of my family’s issues, especially their issues related to health and finance, were of their own doing. Sure, they could have been better educated but they knew that spending all of their money on coke and a carton of cigarettes heavily contributed to their dire situation and yet they still did it. 

At the end of the day, THEY have to want to make the change and until THEY have made that decision there is NOTHING you can do about it. This may sound harsh but it’s true and until you learn that you can’t save them nothing will change. If you’re not careful, you will come to resent the people you love the most. 

Trust me, I know this more than you know.  

• Decide what is best for you: Our hometowns often do not provide all of the things we need. Let’s face it, what works for your family might not work for you. Where you live matters. You have to decide what you need from a physical location before you make a move. As hard as it might be to admit, moving away from family could be the best decision you make for your mental health. Is it really worth being miserable so everyone else except you can be happy? 

For those who have already moved away from Family

• Keep in touch: Just because you’re moving away doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with your loved ones. Thanks to technology, it’s easier than ever to stay connected. Schedule regular phone calls, video chats, and visits to help ease the transition. I personally love the Marco Polo app because it is an easy way to keep in touch on your own time.

• Focus on the positives: Remember that moving can bring new opportunities for personal and professional growth. Try to focus on the positive aspects of the move, such as new experiences, new friends, and new career prospects. You never know, you moving away could even be good for your family especially if they were relying on you. They will now have to consider other avenues.

• Give back: If you’re feeling guilty about leaving loved ones behind, consider finding ways to give back to your hometown community. Whether it’s volunteering, making charitable donations, or simply staying in touch with old friends, there are many ways to stay connected and give back.

• Talk to someone: Moving away can be an emotionally challenging experience. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your feelings of guilt. A trusted friend, family member, or therapist can offer a supportive ear and help you work through your emotions.

Moving away from family can be a difficult decision that comes with a lot of emotional turmoil. However, it’s important to remember that the decision to move is often necessary for l your own personal growth. While feelings of guilt are natural, there are ways to overcome them and stay connected to loved ones. Now get out there and start building a new life in your new city.

If you resonate with this post, I’d love to hear about it.

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